this does not matter at all--

“We cannot see who we really are; we cannot see that we are not free,” stated Don Miguel Ruiz in his book ‘The Four Agreements’. The book is written in accordance to Toltec law and theories. As I began reading this book it described human domestication in a way that proves humans are the way we are because we are taught to believe in what others tell us. Our truth, our reality is just what people want us to believe because it is what was told to them to believe. Fear is a natural reaction to humans when they are criticized and begin to feel confused. Overall it is a fear of being judged- for stupidity, ignorance, ugliness, etc. A human knows very few ways to cope with this emotion and begins to feel angry. This anger proves that we care so much about what others think of us that we would threaten another human to look as though we are right (although it just makes us look like an ass). When the person calms they begin to feel humiliated from looking like a jerk and start to act as though they are expected once again. Allowing for the person to not realize that they are living for somebody besides themselves- they are not free.
One thing about this book that shined through to me was the idea of mitote. This is a dream where thousands of people talk at the same time, yet nobody understands each other. The book convinces the reader of reality being a dream, just with frames or specific time arrangements. Reality is real to us, because it makes the most sense in our lives. Although, reality does not make sense to us. While experimenting with a drug at a young age, along with 9 peers of mine, we were all sitting in a circle. All of my eight friends were blabbering away, and I was the only one listening to each person. I had no idea what any one of them were talking about. I began to feel they did not know either. This drug lasts for a long time yet makes time fly by quick, something like a dream. No one was making sense, and they did not even realize that nobody was listening. I realized at this time often during my daily routine (while I am not on drugs) I communicate with others, yet I do not care or think twice about what they have said. I know there are others out there who do this without realizing. So our reality is a mitote of people speaking to one another yet not caring, only when we care is when we are feeling judged. What is it that makes us want to feel accepted? I think once somebody stops wanting to be accepted and live their life is when we will figure out what life is about. (of course this will never happen because every single environment has its own effect on an individual).

if you read this whole thing and understood it, i am proud. because well you actually didn't.

i want to be like you

A person has brought to my attention that I am horrible at technology and anything that deals with technology—this does not bother me. I know people feel the need to hop on the band wagon and be like everyone else, but I am not the type to do or like something just because other people do. Some things I am apparently missing out on: Facebook, MySpace, Texting. Most things are ways of writing and talking to another person without having to face the person. One reason, besides being an individual, why I do not do follow these trends is because I think a person is a coward for talking and discussing serious matters when not face to face. If it is too hard to say to somebody’s face, there is a reason for that. If this is the fact of the matter, keep it to yourself. This form of technology is a way to hide yourself from human domestication. Sometimes, I wish I could be a superficial idiot, maybe I will grow into it. Now, I want to discuss Tila Tequila. Tila Tequila, is an attention whore. I love the show, because MTV has an addictive way of getting teens to watch it (mostly for sexual content). Although, Tila constantly announces the show is about finding out whether she loves men or women and then she contradicts this by saying the show is about finding a person she loves. What do these two have to do with each other? She needs to decide if she is looking for love, or if she is looking to decide what she likes. How can you find love if you are not sure which you like more. Tila, sometimes finding love isn’t the most important thing in life.

yo yo yo, i am sick of blogs

Friday I did not go to bed until 6 in the morning, so I guess it was Saturday (whatever). I hate my wondering mind sometimes. Then I woke up at 10 o’ clock Saturday, only to sit around and think about all the things that were bothering me last night. Then, Eileen woke up and we did a little chit-chat, decided to go to Walmart, and got some quarters for laundry. I bought some straws that I have desperately been needing. Ever since I got my molars out, I need straws to drink anything! Well, I guess I do not need them, but I am obsessed with them. I really do not have anything to talk about, this week was uneventful. I am sick of doing blogs for English-U595 class, because it makes me realize how boring and worthless my life is. Actually, that is a lie. My life is very exciting, dramatic, and unbelievable, which is exactly why I do not share my stories on here, they are unbelievable. Something that is believable though, I met someone. I like him, but he is turning out to be like every typical guy. What a surprise. Some day I will meet a guy that is completely different, I know he is out there. The great thing about moving to South Dakota, is having new stories to tell, meeting new people, and having those stories to reminisce with my new friends, the bad thing is I miss my old friends and our crazy stories. There will never be anyone that could replace the fargodians in my life.

Noel is a real person, but this is not their real name.

-Hello?
Hello, is Kiara there?
-This is, who is this?
This is ‘Noel’.
-Oh hey Noel, what’s going on?
Nothing just sitting at home, my Saturday’s are always lame because my dad grounded me for the rest of my life a couple months ago.
-Oh?...Why is that?
I told him I was bisexual… my mom was bisexual, and she left him, I think he is afraid I will leave him, like she did.
…..(long pause)
-How did you get my phone number, Noel?
You wrote it down in my yearbook. Do you want to come over?

--I have to say, at this point I was a little creeped out. Noel and I were good friends in 6th and 7th grade, but I was in 10th grade now, and I had not talked to him since then.

-Well, I really can’t I am grounded too. (a lie)
Oh, that is okay, I miss hanging out with you, what have you been up to?
-Well, I am going out with ___ (asshole) now, and I pretty much just hang out with him, when he comes over (I am a good liar).
I wish I were going out with somebody, then I would not cut my wrists at night, and somebody would think I were something special.
-You slit your wrists, Noel?!?!
Only every once and a while.
-Noel, that is not right, you should not do that to yourself. There is nothing so wrong with you that you should mutilate your body.
I don’t have friends like I used to, I have started drinking, and smoking, and now the only thing that feels good is my flesh being torn by thin razors. Haven’t you noticed I have been wearing long sleeve, baggy shirts to school?
-(I hadn’t, truth was I never paid attention to Noel anymore) Well, I have been kind of stressed out lately.

i must be very uninteresting because this is my life

I would like to eat some Domino’s pizza. I have not had Domino’s pizza in a very long time, and it makes me sad because the pizza in the commons is crap. I know this is a silly subject to write about (because my roommate laughed at me when she peeked over my shoulder) but I do not care and besides I am so uninteresting that I have nothing to write about. My favorite kind of Domino’s pizza is hand tossed crust, all the normal fixings, and pepperoni. My roommates favorite Domino’s pizza is thin crust and cheese. She just told me that and I yelled at her, because the first time we ordered pizza we got a gallilion different toppings on it. I think we even had pickles on that thing! We had so much that I could not eat it even! MAN! I cannot believe that. That makes me mad because I was not able to eat and enjoy my last pizza from Dominoes because of her crap. Paul Wall’s favorite pizza from Domino’s is stuffed crust, meat lovers. Paul Wall is our friend that is six feet and seven inches, so he is tall. Oh and I would also like everyone to know that I saw the hottest guy ever last night, but he really is not that interesting. Oh well, that is okay because there are plenty of other hot guys out there. It sucks that I care so much if he is hot. That is not something you should base a relationship on. Actually I am not basing any relationship on looks because obviously I could give a crap less about him because he was not interesting. It turns out I am not that bad of a person after all. Yay me!.