my closest friend

I will not deny the power it has over me. I will not lie, and say that I would do anything to make it stop making me feel the way I feel. I can promise that it is harmful, and has caused the death of so many people, including my own loved ones. I will tell you now, I could not live without it. There is nothing on this planet, or in the entire universe that I could, or would ever want to, replace it with. I have a nasty disease that helps me cope with everything in this sick, sad, world. I should want it to go away, but the truth is I want it more and more. This disease will surely make it so I can never have a normal relationship, never get married, and never have a healthy child. Which is okay, I love everything it gives to me because it has shown me so much about the world. This sounds so confusing, and you are no doubt wondering what this is, but I will not tell. I know once I admit to anyone of my problem, they will make me seek help. Help is not what I need. I need its’ control over me, it is the only thing that helps me to feel sane. Bringing fourth the issue is for me, and it helps me to understand why I am this way. This is not a plea for help, so do not think I am asking to be saved. This is me, admitting to, and trying to understand, my life.